Tuesday, 2 June 2009

Hoon Pays Back For Inadvertent Mistake

Geoff Hoon has unreservedly apologised and paid back part of the money he owes in what he described as 'Inadvertent administrative error.'

The error occurred when he was appointed Defence Secretary and, along with the Cabinet, sent our servicemen to war in Afghanistan and Iraq. Administratively, he had overlooked the legality of the war in Iraq and had been party to several claims by the Government that Iraq had Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD) contrary to UN direct regulations. To ensure we all believed it, his department, under interim command by General Alistair Campbell, concocted a brief which claimed such weapons could be deployed in 45 minutes and rain bombs on the heads of every British citizen no matter where they were. Inadvertently, he ignored the fact that Hans Blix, the UN inspector, had not found any WMD and had pleaded for more time, Hoon ordered servicemen to invade Iraq. Subsequently, the administrative error of finding no WMD was discovered and made the war illegal in International Law - a minor point which was balanced by the fact that God had given Tony Blair a pure heart in deciding to invade. Subsequently Blair is now rewriting the Bible to update God to the modern day as God is still wearing flares and open top shirts when he should be wearing a hood. The fact that God has existed for billions of years and only fallen behind fashion in the last 2,000 years is another administrative error on behalf of the Pope.

Inadvertent Loss of Life

On a more personal front, Hoon had 'inadvertently' sent our servicemen to war with inadequate equipment and any plan. These oversights were deemed inconsequential particularly as the major thrust was to support anything the US and its President said so that Tony Blair could be made an international hero. Due to an 'administrative' error, Hoon forgot some simple things like adequate boots to walk about in the desert, effective body armour to protect against incredibly fast moving, sharp objects like bullets and shrapnel, proper vehicles with good armour plating which might withstand roadside bomb blasts, bullets or grenade attacks, lined fuel tanks in aircraft with foam in order to stop instant explosion due to a hot bullet piercing its skin and igniting the highly flammable fuel inside. There were too many more instances to list due to an administration oversight and I inadvertently forgot to mention Deepcut Barracks where a systematic cover up is occurring which probably first happened under his tenure as Defence Secretary.

None of these minor oversights have cost a great deal, Hoon argues. It was far more important to make money as a Minister on his second home allowances and claiming service charges on his homes when he had grace-and-favour accommodation. However, he should be beatified for his munificence in paying back some £380 which is worth approximately £1 for every life he caused to lose in illegal wars, and there was nothing left over for the inadvertent errors that ruined the futures of all those maimed or wounded in those wars.

Hoon sleeps easy tonight knowing his conscience is clear and is pathetic neck is saved. It is indeed some neck - the neck of a hero of this nation.

More Inadvertent Loss

In separate inadvertent error, Gordon Brown, lost his marbles. He described Chancellor Alistair Darling as doing a 'great job' when in fact he has shown total incompetence and cost the nation £billions in extra borrowing. However, other Ministers have pointed out that what Brown meant was that if you take away the fact we have ploughed some £40bn into saving banks and put up around £1.3trillion in loans, capital and guarantees and keep getting our borrowing requirements wrong by the odd tens of billions, may have our credit rating slashed, have pushed unemployment beyond 2 million, then the Chancellor has indeed done a great job of at least fiddling his expenses.

Alistair Darling, Geoff Hoon and Gordon Grown were inadvertently unavailable for comment due to having their head up their own backsides looking for expense claim forms.

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