Dates In My Diary

I am always interested when offered an invitation to a free webinar - they are great because you can dip out easily if it is not interesting but best of all you never have to leave your desk, so if the subject matter is good I try to attend. But when I received an invitation today I had to check the date and make sure it was not an April Fool's prank.

The invitation came via ExecuNet and it sounded good as it is part of the Power Break series and was entitled 'Weathering The Storm: Executive Talent Management In An Economic Downturn'. The sort of subject matter I'm interested in, I was about the accept the invitation when I noticed who the speaker was - a Dr. Anna Tavis who happens to be Global Head of Talent Management and Organizational Development at AIG Investments.

It was at that point that I reached for the calendar and checked the date.

AIG is not exactly the most shining example of best practices in terms of talent management or organizational development for that matter. On around its third or fourth round of Fed bail outs, it has consumed well over $200bn of cash pumped into it and is in state hands. Clearly the 'talent' they have is for building a house of cards in terms of investment and organizationally the company looks virtually defunct.

Still, I expect I will be getting invites to an RBS seminar on 'How to maximise your pension when your company is bust' and an invite from Jaqui Smith on 'How to maximise your expense allowances' in conjunction with Brown, McNulty, Conway and Darling. I am also waiting for tips on 'Knowing when to set up a blind trust when you are not meant to get paid enough to have one' by Lord Mandelson who follows on from his insightful series on 'How to get sacked twice, consort with rich Russians, get a peerage and a handsome pay off', 'How to get a passport pronto', and 'Mortgage loans made simple.'

I am also expecting a seminar invite from Tony Blair simply entitled, 'Timing', while 'The Janet and John guide to quantitative easing' by Yvette Cooper should be good too. The best should be the jointly presented seminar by Gordon Brown and Barack Obama called 'Big Number Theory - how to destroy an awful lot of money and someone else pay for it.'

Cool Facts of The Week For Pub Conversations

Did you know that monkeys show organisational skills? Perhaps AIG should consider using a few but it was found that monkeys at Stockholm Zoo pelted stones at visitors. Studies showed that before the Zoo opened each day, the monkeys would look around for stones, make piles of them behind a bush and then when the visitors came by, they would pelt the stones at them.

In another revelation, it seems that chimpanzees exchange meat for sex, thus proving that prostitution is indeed the oldest profession after all. I wonder many pieces of rump Max Mosely paid for his sessions over the years?

A recent study at John Hopkins University has shown a link between oral sex and some throat cancers. It seems to be all to do with the HPV virus which can cause cancer and it has been suggested that those who have oral sex with more than 6 partners have 9 times greater chance of getting throat cancer - which is a greater risk than from smoking or drinking alcohol. I'm sure there is some witty line to be added here but I shall refrain.

It is good to know that Reality TV is getting to the nub of topical issues. Fox TV in the US is putting together a series called 'Someone's Gotta Go' where employees of small companies decide which one of their colleagues gets laid off.

And finally, a woman in Berlin is to divorce her husband because he cleans too much. There, it's a message to all men not to try too hard - it could ruin your marriage.

Breach of National Security

Labour MP, Sir Stuart Bell, is on the warpath. In the wake of revelations that Jaqui Smith's husband claimed for viewing two porn films, Sir Stuart asserts that all 650 MPs' expense receipts have been put 'up for sale' and are valued at several hundreds of thousands of pounds as the interest of nosy voters rise amid the recent revelations.

In an interview on BBC's Newsnight, Sir Stuart, who sits on the Speakers Commons Estimates Committee, showed bold determination to keep facts of MPs' expenses away from public viewing. 'All of the receipts of 650-odd MPs', redacted or un-redacted, are for sale for around £300,000, so I am told,' he said. 'The price is going up because of the public interest.'

Bold Response

In a fit of pique over the fact that Jaqui Smith has claimed over £100,000 of allowances for a second home which happens to be her main family home, the fact that she pays her husband to watch films as part of her retinue and that the same 'working' husband watched porn films at that, PM Gordon Brown has boldly suggested that MPs' allowances for second homes should be scrapped.

It is alleged that an audible gasp and massive of slapping of a forehead was heard in London, followed by a prolonged sigh sounding like 'D'oh!'. The noise is believed to have come from Tony Blair's mansion somewhere near Sloane Square and nowhere near the Middle East.

It will be a move pretty unpopular with most MPs, particularly the army of Labour MPs who avidly claim expenses on second homes while having their first home less than 14 miles from Westminster. Sadly, for those whose constituencies are beyond a radius the length of London to Watford Gap are going to be seriously out of pocket. But it is envisaged they could make up the difference in allowance by pretending to cycle their bicycles each day but actually take first class on the train.

I am sure that has never been done before.

National Security At Risk

When asked who was selling the information, Sir Stuart was at the edge of his seat with excitement. 'We have a pretty good of not the person, but the source, and that is the subject of a House of Commons Investigation,' said Sir Stuart. 'It's probably a breach of the Official Secrets Act, it may be theft, but we will get to the bottom of it. In the public interest by the way.'

My sources tell me that the Justice Minister may step in and use special powers to stop details of MPs' expenses reaching the public eyes as National Security may be breached. The fact the public would actually want to know such details of what sort of freebies MPs are snorting in the trough for are full reason that we might divulge which fine wines an MP might have had while watching 'Debbie does Dallas' when they should have been casting a vote on the 42 day Detention Bill.

It is also believed that the details of MPs' favourite hotels and swimming pools may be known risking their travel schedules when visiting Brazil and sampling their local 'playful and colourful' back street culture.

Rising Cost of Politicians

The cost of the second home allowance as a bill to the public rose 6% last year, while it has been found by some committee that MPs should get a pay rise of 2.3% this year - Brown has vetoed any of his ministers getting a rise in a fit of rage at the embarrassing revelations and the fact they will get it all back in increases in spending on expenses anyway.

Of course, nobody would want to know why on the PM's recent trip to save the world that he and his team having called in to address some of the largest economies of the world that they then chose to go and see Brazil and Chile on the way back. Perhaps there were some good 'restaurants and clubs' there that Peter Mandelson knew or some special offers on Scotch Whisky at their duty frees.

MPs' Expenses are the thin edge of the wedge. Jaqui Smith is being supported by the PM even though she claimed £116,000 by designating a room in her sister's house as her primary residence so that she could claim her family home many miles away was her second home. Employment Minister Tony McNulty shows particular disdain in claiming that his second home is his parents' house just 11 miles from his apartment in Westminster.

Perhaps he should be thankful he is still in employment let alone the minister for it.

Personally, I think it would be £300,000 of bail out money very well spent if the entire 650 MPs' expense receipts came into the public domain so that we could see just what the hell we are getting for our money and how it is being abused. As for national security, that is a comment worthy of Jack Straw or Alistair Campbell. It's laughable - perhaps MPs have been downloading plagiarised documents off the web and paying via PayPal in order to convince us all that we should be fighting wars and bailing out banks.

Then we should open the lid on Assembly Members, Local Councillors, Civil Servants and the vast array of other Public Department workers who have the life of Riley, guaranteed pensions and some of the least required jobs in Britain.

I am sure we would save a great deal of money.