The Green Shoots Are All Over The Place

Hot news from the CBI Dinner on manufacturing in Birmingham tonight - Lord Mandelson confirms that 'Snow under New Labour is richer, heavier and more widespread than ever and when it thaws the green shoots of economic revival will be there for all to see. Just keep looking, damn you'

Interesting Times

Lord Mandelson was addressing the CBI Dinner on Manufacturing in Birmingham. On the menu was smoked salmon with a 'zest of low interest rates' followed by an 'amuse bouche' of a cup of bovril, an imported pasta dish simply described as an 'Italian Job', an entree of 'codswallop and chips', washed down with a Castrol GTX 1997 and finished off with 'Economy Brulee' as dessert. Coffee was served with 'Petit Intelligences'.

Firstly, Lord Mandelson congratulated himself for appointing Gordon Brown as his second in command, describing him as a 'Formidable also-ran and an aspiring poodle for Barack Obama'. He also pointed out that they had something in common on top of the fact they were both unelected leaders but he couldn't remember what. He then went on to outline why he very secretly tortured (no questions asked and 007 status) Mervyn King into lowering interest rates to 1.0%, describing it as 'Helpful to Russian Oligarchs who have very, very, very high loans'.

Britain Invented The Wheel

Lord Mandelson was quick to point out that 'Neanderthal Briton Man had invented the wheel, fire and permanent black eyebrow dye' and that these prehistoric achievements set the scene for Britain to lead the Industrial Revolution. He confidently predicted that 'Britain will lead the new industrial revolution with such innovations as Cillit Bang II (starring Barry Scott), the paperless clip, the wind assisted nasal hair strimmer and de-snotter, the solar powered nuclear power station, the nuclear powered solar steam engine, the self-perpetuating carbon-free house price rise, the new set of low carbon emmission large numbers to describe the magnititude of bank foul-ups and bank executive bonuses, the non-greenhouse gas anti-gravitron gravitron carbon-free collider thingee and the aroma-less non-carbon fart.'

'Britain is a hot-bed of writhing bodies of intelligence, not unlike the back streets Brazil,' continued Mandelson. 'With firm, muscular tone Britain will strong-arm its way gladiatorially, yet tenderly to become one of the world's leading manufacturing nations. Or in my mind at least.'

EC Commission Experience - Vital For The Economy

Lord Mandelson called upon his own experiences as an EC Commissioner. 'When I was a highly paid EC Commissioner as I still am now without being there and doing the commissioning bit, and was sitting in Brussels wondering where my next holiday would come from,' he said somberly, 'People would say to me that Britain was just a limp appendage at a spit roast - BBQ that is. And I would say, hey, we manufacture all sorts of things, I just can't think of which ones right now but, by golly, there's lots of them. Of course, I didn't say 'By Golly' as you know that would be a Thatcherite-ist racism comment but it was similar but not offensive. Anyway, is that the time?'

Lord Mandelson is a fictional character and doesn't resemble anyone living. Lord Peter Vader is a character from 'Ya Boo Wars, mine's a White Russian Oligarch, baby' and all copyrights are acknowledged.