Saturday, 5 December 2009

Predictions For 2010

As 2009 closes out and most of us want to close the door on it as fast as possible, still more bad news wallops us causing Lord Mandelson to shout that the loss of 1,700 jobs at the Corus plant as, 'Galling'.

So our thoughts start to turn to the year ahead - to a world of old rate VAT and the potential emergence, at last, from technical recession although verbally we have been assured the world is fine according to our leaders. I started to do my own bit of research on the subject of what we might expect ahead and I came a across a very helpful prediction site hosted by a bunch of psychics at But then again, some of you already knew I would do that.

Read them for yourselves but my favourites are:

  • As commanded by Gordon Brown, Osama bin Ladin will die. No doubt Pakistan will be short of spin bowlers and select him, where he will be recognised as a famous terrorist leader and be shot by a sniper.

  • An unspecified MP will be caught performing an indecent act in a public toilet. This is a safe bet as surely we have had one a year for a while or are we talking about indecent acts as 'flipping' now?

  • A secret human cloning experiment attempts to clone a famous person - I can confirm the person in question will be Bruce Forsyth in order to extend the show beyond his years but wig makers are still dubious about being able to hide the join line.

  • Barack Obama expresses an interest in holistic healing and it becomes a watchword in his speeches. He will be seen on live TV sipping his own urine while having his face covered in leeches.

  • Britain and Germany make a green energy agreement and a huge new wind turbine farm will be constructed just outside the front doors of Parliament. Plenty of wind coming out of there.

  • Quantum physicists will find a way to get electricity from water, and the MP caught in the act in the toilet will claim he was merely testing the theory.

  • A celebrity is kidnapped and huge ransom is demanded, but the kidnappers got the name from Ant and Dec's list and so no one has ever heard of them.

  • Britain will withdraw all troops from Afghanistan bar a few token ones from the 1st Battalion of Sitting Ducks. Straw prices go through the roof in anticipation of the draw for the short ones.

  • A strike by Civil Servants will cause widespread disruption as the country struggles to find out why it has no effect on anything and no one misses them at work.

So here a few of my predictions in the same vain:

  • Gordon Brown saves a baby from drowning and wins a landslide at the election as his popularity as a world superhero soars. An independent inquiry 30 years later reveals that not only Lord Mandelson threw the baby in but the real one did drown and Brown saved the plastic replica.

  • Bankers agree to give up all rights to any bonuses for 50 years and most take their holidays working in parts of Africa worst affected by drought, starvation and disease.

  • England come narrowly close to winning the World Cup when they are beaten in the first round by Algeria and drawing 0-0 with Slovenia after heroically beating USA. But due to a countback on non-qualifying dives, lack of unnecessary referee abuse and no hand balls they are tragically eliminated for lack of unfair play. David Beckham announces his retirement to pursue a career in banking and Wayne Rooney becomes a monk.

  • Osama bin Ladin doesn't die but is actually found hiding out on the wing for Scotland's rugby team.

  • MPs vote for abolishment of all expenses is a popular move, but go onto a lucrative bonus scheme in aiming to halve the budget deficit by 2014 - Brown earns £10m in 2010 as he hits the first milestone.

  • X Factor is syndicated all over the world and Simon Cowell becomes the inaugural First World President by popular vote with Cheryl Cole narrowly missing out in s sing-off. Louis Walsh is condemned to death as a traitor to the cause in the first public decree while Sharon Osbourne is put under house arrest for life as a dissenter.

I'll work on a few more real ones in the coming weeks, but I am sure that unless you were part of the groups who won the £90m Euromillions last month, you just can't wait to see the back of 2009.

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