Christmas Lists

Merry Christmas everyone and I hope Santa brought you all you wanted. I managed to get some 'wish lists' of important people and despite libel laws I am going to share them with you.

Lord Mandelson

• No Passport Holder - I already have one. His name is Mr. Hinduja.
• A new diary - only this time can I have one where the pages don't fall out so meetings with Russian Aluminium Oligarchs don't 'accidentally' fall out making people 'misunderstand' that I had not met him before crucial votes on Aluminium tariffs.
• A Summer Holiday - one of the downsides of not being an EC Commissioner with a £200k+ salary and now being Business Secretary at only £100k+ salary is that I don't get a freebie trips on £80 million yachts owned by Aluminium Oligarchs who want my 'opinions and good company'. Still, at least I am paid the EC Commissioner's salary for another 3 years while I have my new job.
• A large, reliable bank - to store all that extra cash from the old EC job so it isn't frittered away on things I would normally have to pay for like holidays.
• More exfoliating scrub and face cream - it's important to keep up my complexion with all these TV interviews and I love the way I scrub up to have skin like the smooth, glistening backside of a china doll.

George Osbourne

• Some new friends - now that Nat Rothschild has been so nasty to me. I was only trying to sneak on Mandy and point out he was far too pally with that Aluminium Tycoon to have not met him before.
• A Summer Holiday - it's highly unlikely that anyone will be inviting me onto their £80 million yacht anymore and where else am I going to get ideas about Party funding? I do my best thinking when I'm having my back soporifically scratched.
• A more reliable job - heck, even if we win an election, I'm going to have a rubbish job which will likely not last very long.
• A better image - people say I have that annoying look of the school snitch. Maybe some exfoliating scrub and face cream like Mandy will help.

David Cameron

• Some better polls - I mean after disasters like the Credit Crunch, Recession and currency, then using billions of pounds of taxpayers money, how on earth can Gordon Brown be so popular?
• Some 'weathering cream' for my face - I think part of the problem is I look too young to be considered experienced like Tony Blair and not haggard and brow-beaten like Gordon Brown. I look more like 'Baby-Faced Finlayson' out of the Beano and frankly that isn't cutting the mustard with the voters.
• Some policies - it really annoys me that those Labour guys just keep messing up and when I point it out to everyone, they just say 'What would you do then?' I mean, that's not the point - Labour did it wrong, can't people see how important that is? Only people are now saying I should have some pithy one-liners about what I would do instead. But I've tried but I can't think of any and then I would only have to do them if we won an election.
• Someone to take me seriously - come on guys, at least I don't have a daft name like Vince Cable.

David Davies

• A new ego - the last one was completely shot to pieces when I staged my one-man protest over detention period and resigned my seat. I mean, it was just a fantastic idea about how to highlight the most important piece of Labour nonsense and further my career by gallantly falling on my sword in a safe seat so that we could run a new election. That would show them. But it didn't and now people call me names and I don't feel very confident anymore. And I want my old job back.

Gordon Brown

• An early election - it can't get much better than this. Even when I thought Alistair had blown the gaff by saying we were doomed, I have single-handedly saved the world from financial extinction and every one loves me. Better than Tony too - I bet that snivelling little devil is really happy he took a £1.5m Non Exec job at a Bank and they are the ones being vilified for paying out vast bonuses or £1.5m per year for advice on 'Globalisation' to has-been Prime Ministers. If he were on the Board at RBS, it would be a different story now!
• A spare Superman suit - this one is wearing out fast and I get it cleaned every day too. I need a spare one as I like to wear this one in bed and dream of saving the world every day. Bring on more crises, there isn't anything I can't handle.
• A new calculator - we just can't seem to get the figures right and I think it's because regular calculators simply don't have enough digits to handle these large bail-out numbers.
• A new Governor of The Bank of England - I mean, what is that guy on? We, I mean I, have just saved the world and he keeps wittering on about more Banks failing and that more bail-out money is required. It's over, mate - get with the program, the world is already saved. I have said so, and I have been right about the last 10 years, so it must be so.

Alistair Darling

• Some more black hair dye - someone said that my eyebrows are beginning to go grey and that would be awful and look silly.
• A more positive outlook - since Gordon sat me down in that dark room and spanked me for talking so gloomily it hasn't been the same. When I told him it was bad out there, he told me to lighten up and be positive. It's difficult, I read those JK Rowling predictions, she is really Nostradamus reincarnated you know, and she predicted that the 'Dark Lord would Rise' and sure enough he's back and in control of us all. Now where's our Harry Potter to get rid of him? That's where I need to be more positive.

Barack Obama

• Something to say - the trouble with that election campaign is that it didn't so much tire me out as exhaust all my clever things to say. Between writing books and that election acceptance speech, I think I have said just about everything clever I could.
• A new dog - heck, I have had all sorts of dumb offers from a bald rat from the guy in Peru, some Scotty terrier from that guy in Britain, a poodle from the guy with a strange name in France where he claimed it has '4 magnificent legs not just 2', and Dubya offered me his Rottweiler but I said I had no use for Condie.

George W Bush

• A legacy - Jeez, I don't know. What does a guy have to do to get remembered? People tell me it's not getting guys killed in Afghanistan and Iraq but they started it and that's what 'Yo Blair' said too. I mean there was no need to hate America.
• A new nickname - I'm not happy with 'Dubya' if I tell you the truth. It sounds a bit dumb and I went to Harvard, for God's sake. How the heck did Brown get called Superman when I'm the one who gets everything done around here?
• A new car - when Obama gets in I have to give back the car. Trouble is, while I might spend $17 bn rescuing the auto industry, not one of them makes a decent car. I have my eye on a solid silver Audi like that guy in Dubai, I wonder if my friends in Saudi can help get me one?

Robert Mugabe

• Some decent publicity - I keep saying that Gordon Brown is in charge of a 'nothing country' then he gets called 'Superman'. I single-handedly cure the population of cholera and what do I get called?

Osama Bin Ladin

• A better video camera - amongst all the mod-cons we have up here 'the location which must not be disclosed', we still have that cheap thing I picked up at duty free. It really does not show my best side or how big the cave is.

John Thain, CEO Merrill Lynch

• $10m - I just need a lousy 10 million bucks, for God's sake. Is it too much to ask for? I mean I did save the company from going bust you know and I kept turning the lights off before leaving the office too. I mean, that deserves far more bonus but all I'm asking for is $10m. God, get a life guys - it's only $10m.

Fred Goodwin, ex-CEO RBS

• A break - that's all I needed was a break, a bit of luck and none of this would have happened. The £54 bn we spent on ABN was a snip, but everyone keeps on moaning about £1.3 trillion of liabilities and £161bn of funding gap. It was a boom, guys. What do you do in booms? You gamble. Just ask Gordon Brown. If I had just one more little piece of luck I would still be there today.

Adam Applegarth, ex-CEO Northern Rock

• A new cricket bat - playing at Sunderland CC was hell this year and it was the bat's fault. I must get a better average next year and the bat will make all the difference. Also, the club secretary has asked me to see if I can get sponsorship from some company called Norther Rock but to be honest I have no idea what he's talking about.

Ron Sandler, Interim CEO, Northern Rock

• Nothing - I hit the jackpot. £90k per month for spending taxpayers money and no one can fire me if I get it wrong, what more could I possibly need?

Robert Peston, Financial Correspondent at the BBC

• More Crisis - bring it on. Sold my book and everyone thinks I'm an expert - give me some crisis and I will make a fortune telling people the obvious. They think I broke banks, you know.

There are many more but I didn't want ruin your Christmas.

Good luck in 2009 - remember the Labour Slogan, 'Things can only get better.' Gordon says so, so raise your glass to 3m unemployed, 75,000 repossessions and a currency worth less than a Euro - it's all just an illusion which the Dark Lord and Superman will magic away.