I recently responded to an advertisement in the Vienna Post to participate in some research. I and a group of friends went to meet Professor Friederike Range of the University of Vienna's Neurobiology Department (and trying saying that when you are trying to lick your own genitals).
The Perfectly Obvious
Firstly we were asked to participate in a number of experiments which involved being offered treats in turn for raising a paw. Sometimes I worry about the human fascination of offering treats for tricks, we would be perfectly happy to pay - but each to their own, I suppose.
The Professor kept cooing and gasping then scribbling avidly on his note pad each time one of us received the treat. He seemed particularly fascinated by the obvious. For instance, whenever he offered my mate Rover a treat instead of me, I took the cob. This seemed to amaze Freidericke and he shouted something about 'Ve Hav been zo wrong - zese beasts hav ein self-image'. To be honest he sounded more like Max Mosley than a Professor but I digress.
What seemed to elude him was that we dogs have a great deal of self awareness and self image, I mean why else would we slurp at our own private parts all day? He seemed to think beforehand that we dogs lacked a sense of self but I have always been fascinated by the smell of my rear end and the contents of my ears. He also thought that we needed to have 'secondary emotions' in order to have a 'sense of self' like jealousy, embarrassment, empathy or guilt.
But I can tell you, I experience all of those and had he bothered to ask rather than put us through endless daft experiments, I would have told him.
Den of Inequity
You see when Rover was offered the treat ahead of me I was well peeved. It was clear the treat should have been mine but that furry swine stuck his nose in first and I swear the Prof actually angled his hand toward him. Well Is showed him - I turned my head in a haughty pout and awaited the next treat with some disdain. What he didn't know was when he turned to scribble in his notes, I gave Rover a good biff and he was suitably contrite.
You see, we dogs have feelings you know and if there's one thing we cannot stand it's unfair treatment.
Next, the Prof denied me the treat by offering it then withdrawing it several times. I don't mind saying I was pretty livid so I gave him a pretty decent whack with my paw when he stuck his hand out next to make sure he knew who was boss. He labelled this as anger.
Finally, Petra the standard poodle was prancing about at the back the class so while Bowser was getting his turn she and I went behind the desk for a bit of slap 'n' tickle and howsyourfather if you get my drift. I came out with very nice smile on my face and the Prof was very chuffed as it showed both lust and joy. Petra wasn't so enthusiastic as she had mistaken me for a sheepdog. When she told me that, I flew into a fit of jealousy and went off and had good sulk in the basket.
Having a Laugh
It struck me that humans are more stupid than I ever thought. What the experiments taught me was that in a time of something they call an economic downturn humans still fund daft experiments like this by highly paid academics in well funded universities. I could have got on the internet and asked around 30 of my doggie mates on Facebook and we could have told you all you wanted to know for nothing.
But that's humans for you, they are just like consultants - they charge you the earth for the perfectly obvious.
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