The Dark Lord Rises

A few months ago, the twice sacked pariah of the New Labour Government, was languishing in his lavish office in Brussels wondering whose expensive boat he could Summer on to have his back scratched when suddenly he gets the call from HQ - "Save Our Souls".

Since then Peter Mandelson was hastily given a peerage and installed as the most powerful man in Britain. The man known in Political Circles as the 'Prince of Darkness' was now the 'Dark Lord' and, boy, was he going to get payback.

Fact is Stranger Than Fiction

If JK Rowling had written it herself we would not have believed it. It's as if Dumbledore had called up Voldemort and buried the hatchet, forgotten all those horrible spells and dark magic, and puckered his lips and kissed the backside of The Dark Lord.

Well, desperate times call for desperate measures, and GB indeed puckered his lips, closed his eyes and pinched his nose - there it wasn't so bad after all. Suddenly, Lord Mandelson has a new Teflon sheen - no Deripaska saga could get in his way even though through some oversight he did not inform his mandarins in Brussels that he had indeed met the Russian Aluminium Tycoon BEFORE the crucial vote to lower tariffs on Russian aluminium. Whiffs of guilt slip by now not like the old days when he was caught bending the rules and Bad Uncle Tony used to send him to the dunce's corner. How he hated that.

Now Lord Mandelson struts the corridors of power with a confidence he could never have dreamed he could have - thanks to an economic disaster.

Power, Power, Power

This week, in interview with The Sunday Times, Mandelson showed he wields the most powerful stick of all. The magic wand that can save industries or businesses in this recession. He is now on record as saying that there is 'no open cheque book' to save UK plc. He will arbitrate who is deserved of his charity. Companies 'with flawed business plans and no hopes of recovery' would be left to whither, he growled. Quite how that was applied to Northern Rock we will never know as if ever there was a worthless wreck with a flawed plan and no hope.....well, that was before The Dark Lord took the reins.

Now it is a different story.

He is already viewing Jaguar Land Rover and Vauxhall with his new tough eyes and there is no indication they will be the recipients of his royal magic. Though he does admit that some large businesses with heavy repercussions on unemployment may be viewed differently. Broadly, the only exceptions will be for those companies that specialise in areas that Britain will need in order to become a 'broader-based knowledge driven and low-carbon economy' although he declined to point out which sectors this would apply to but it is thought to be those which are creating what is termed 'green collar' jobs. Or those who deal in Russian Aluminium - maybe?

Tough Guy For Tough Problems

Mandelson has gone on to say 'There is no open cheque book but a series of tough tests.' I think the message is plain from the tough man - 'if you have a nice yacht, let's talk.'

Interestingly, Mandelson has stressed there is no queue outside his door - which falls in line with my own theory that generally executives are too busy spending last year's bonuses to worry about the recession yet. When the Wall is inevitably Hit, I dare say they will come, cap in hand to pay homage at the feet of Britain's most powerful man and beg for survival. In a show of his brutal strength, he has already advised he does not expect to see a queue.

'We have made it clear that they need to look for alternative sources of lending before they can expect a response from Government,' said the Dark Lord ominously.

Who Would Have Believed It?

Since Mandelson's remarkable rehabilitation, he has risen dramatically to the very top of Government, wearing the mantel of power as if it was always meant for him. Gone are the days of the seedy affairs involving loans from Geoffrey Robinson, or the passport affair of the Hinduja Brothers or even the Deripaska mystery or even the Millennium Dome Fiasco, the unelected formerly disgraced Politician is now Lord Mandelson and is the most powerful man in Britain.

Pinch yourself - it's true.