Britain Is Booming, Comrades!

If you may be alarmed that over 1 in 4 jobs are in the Public Sector, then you may be concerned to know that the Government's share in regional economies is over 60% in some areas of England and over 70% in other countries like Wales and Northern Ireland. The Private Sector is not actually the main contributor to wealth.

Lunatic Spending

In the last 10 years taxes have risen sharply but we didn't care because we were all too busy spending the proceeds of our increased equity to notice our disposable income diminishing. Now a report by the Centre for Economics and Business Research (CEBR) has found that Government spending has covered up a lack of stimulation in Private Enterprise (or at least that's what Opposition MPs read into this).

"Hello, Brother," remarked my source as I toured regional Britain looking into the facts. "I'm alright, Jack. With super annuated pension schemes I have no idea why people would work for the money-grabbing rich who are hell-bent on exploitation. Brother Gordon has created a new world of opportunity, comrade, and it's called 'Living off the Government'. The State is the biggest wealth creator in the country and all this rubbish about entrepreneurs and clever business people is rubbish - the real entrepreneurs are in Government."

I was a little mystified and he explained. "Look, in the North East of England the state will be over 66% of the economy this year, thanks to the spending increases announced by Brother Darling, up from a turgid 58% last time around. When the good Brothers in the New Labour Freedom Fighters came to power it was a mere 54%."

It appears the figures are true - across the whole of the UK, 49% of the economy will consist of state spending while in Wales the figure will be nearly 72% and in Northern Ireland it will be nearly 78%. Even the prosperous South east, Government share of spending in the economy is up from 33% to 36%.

Even Communists Spent Less

"Look, Brother," said my source. "The New Red Army means the state contributes more to the economy in certain parts of Britain than the Soviets did to satellite countries like Hungary and Slovakia in the 90s. This is a good thing. When Brother Tony came to power he created the Department of the Deputy Prime Minister, which many Capitalists claim was just to pander to a fat Politician who bridged the old Left to the new Right of the Party. No way, this superb, lean engine now sits above the planning and approvals at Local Government level and approves plans at a National level which was essential scrutiny of the scrutiny."

"Observe the superb new Government layers erected in Scotland and Wales. Lean, fast-decision making Political systems have been created in the Local Assemblies, assuaging the People's spirit and appetite for more layers of important Government and bringing fairness and clarity to bureaucracy. It also means that more Politicians can have access to large expense accounts, go on key 'Fact Finding' trips with their lovers, fund crackpot schemes to employ people for the sake of it and build fabulous new buildings to house themselves on derelict land thus bringing more employment to the area even when perfectly functional office space lies empty. Of course, such Assemblies have the power to change policy of a flock of gnats but no-one has told them that so they can meet, form committees, discuss key policy, vote and nothing happens but at least they have their say and they are a symbol of the new democracy that Brother Tony is famous. That's genius, Brother."

So Who's Paying For It?

"That, Brother," replied my source, "Is the REALLY clever part. We are. Yes the People have finally stood up as one and demanded that they pay more tax so that we can employ more people in State Machine to make it the Ferrari of states not the Cinquecento. Thanks to Brother Gordon, the filthy capitalist taxpayers will be punished forever to pay for the state employee pensions, benefits, flexible working, new offices, expense accounts, needless travel and pointless bureaucracy. And thanks to the recession and the late and revered Brother Keynes, the spending will go up. Soon, all taxpayers will themselves will be employed by the Government and the first wave will be our capitalist Brothers in the banks who have seen the error of the ways and embraced the New World Order that is working for the state. "

"Did you know, Brother," he continued, "In the North East, Nissan have laid off 1,500 oppressed and exploited workers? However, the good news is that many of those tortured wretches will be embraced by the state and they will have the privilege of having a real job working for the area's largest employer, the Department of Work and Pensions which will administer their new pension rights which of course will be far better than any capitalist one as the thieving capitalist taxpayer will pay for it. The beauty is that many of those displaced workers will get jobs in Jobcentres so they can help help oppressed Brothers to get jobs in Jobcentres."

Entrepreneurial Britain?

I asked my source about encouraging new businesses and entrepreneurship - would that not help fuel growth in our economy rather than spending on state jobs?

"Brother, get with the program," he replied. "Since Brother Gordon came to power more than 500,000 new jobs have been created in the Public Sector. Tell me how many new ones have been created by the filthy capitalists? See, you can't because they don't create new jobs just push people around from one company to the next as they exploit them systematically and steal their rights to lucrative pensions. There are more entrepreneurs in Government, believe me. Richard Branson and Alan Sugar have not created 500,000 new jobs. Brother Gordon has - that makes him the biggest entrepreneur in Britain, possibly the Universe, Brother. Under the New Red Army, power has been devolved to all Departments to increase revenues and create more wealth by using entrepreneurial flair. In London, Brother Ken introduced one of the best moneymaking schemes of all in the Congestion Charge, the Police are one of the most lucrative enterprises by levying speeding fines thanks to the entrepreneurial genius of deploying speed cameras that look for steady people who go 10% above the speed limit that previously had not sped and never had an accident while real offenders race around where there aren't cameras in stolen vehicles, burgle and kill people. Why? Because it takes entrepreneurial flare to work out law abiding people will pay any fine levied on them like £60 for over staying a parking time and habitual criminals can't be tracked or ignore them. First rule of entrepreneurship is to find your market and make sure they will pay - and the suckers will, Brother!"

"It's why Police forces spend more time, money and effort raising money than stopping or solving crimes - because there's no money in that," he added. "The state is the new enterprise, Brother. We have the legal right to put in new cameras to watch people parking as Terrorists watching does not allow us to fine them."

We should be proud. In these austere times, the Government committed to spend 6.68% more in the last pre-budget report and that's without bank bail outs factored in. Welcome back, Old Labour.