Davos Snub

I rang the organisers at Davos yesterday and apparently my invite got sent to Will Young by mistake although I did give my opinion on the global banking situation which they kindly said they would pass on.

Heartened

I was not the only person to miss out on Davos this year. Apparently Chancellor Alistair Darling isn't going as when the team in the US realised that they had to sit in a meeting with him they all feigned illness, cars did not start and many found clashes of diaries with the nail specialist. Rumours were that the PM had refused to sign his travel docket as he was still too pessimistic and until he realises the world is fine he is not allowed out of his office.

US Fed Chief Tim Geithner allegedly pulled out when he heard I would not be attending and when told he would meet Darling remarked 'Alistair who?'. Barack Obama is not going this year, he is too busy choosing a dog for his kids - they are now down to the last five in a voting format not dissimilar to 'X Factor'. This week there will be an ice skating dance off and the Canadian Huskie is expected to win although the rat-like dog from Peru named 'Juan Sargeante' was once again unexpectedly voted back on by the public.

You Haven't Missed Much

Gordon Brown will fly in later and is expected to lay down his thoughts in anticipation of the G20 in London some time later, though he has yet to find a bank to sponsor the event or suitable venue. They may have to use Ron Sandler's shed which currently holds all his money from his consulting at Northern Rock but is plenty big enough. Thesaurus and Dictionary sales have sky-rocketed in anticipation of Brown's speech and the pre-session synopsis printers sent out for lots of tippex as they thought 'deleveraging' was not a real word and put in de-icing instead as it sounded more appropriate. The talk will not actually be the sell-out Brown anticipated as most delegates don't want to be bored to death by half-baked drivel delivered with all the monotony of an undertaker - it will be chaired by Jet Li and Will Young will be question master, I understand.

Bookmakers have been laying spread bets on which words will be used most often and 'New World Order', 'Pangs', 'Deleveraging', 'sub-prime', 'protectionism', 'Saved the world', 'Fiscal Stimulus', 'help, I'm sinking' and 'Deglobalisation' are hot favourites to be most used while 'stable economy', 'recession-proof', 'can't happen to us' and '10 years of steady growth', and 'VAT giveaway really worked' are expected to be used least while 'Tony Blair' is red hot favourite not to be mentioned.

Blame Culture

Tim Geithner, while staying at home, was quick to hurl insults blaming the world economic situation on China for 'Currency Manipulation' that led to US trade deficits. I have to say I have heard of a great many excuses for the current financial woes of the world but this was a first - and many are checking as to whether he was talking about something completely different like the Superbowl.

Perhaps Tim wasn't feeling too well as the retort from the Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao who is at Davos was 'Inappropriate macro-economics policies of some economies and their unsustainable model of development', 'failure of financial supervision and regulation', and 'lack of self discipline' which landed the world economy 'in the most difficult situation since the Great Depression' which he made clear was not the name of a Chinese restaurant in Hammersmith. It's clear that Mr. Jiabao is more on the ball but he actually may enjoy sitting in on Gordon Brown's talk as they have similar prowess on econo-speak.

Vladimir Putin, Russia's democratically elected Prime Minister, put the boot in too saying, 'Poor quality financial regulation' led to 'the collapses of the existing financial system'. He was also hard on the dollar saying, 'Excessive dependence on what is basically the only reserve currency is dangerous for the world economy' which resulted in 'a serious malfunction in the very system of global economic growth' and that 'whole regions of the world including Europe found themselves at the periphery of global economic processes' and so 'were outside the framework of the key economic and financial decisions.' A clear reference that Russia wants more of the profits next time around.

Putin and Jet Li put on a Martial Arts demonstration before a short exhibition of bear shooting got a little out of hand when Putin started taking pot shots at Investment Bankers.

Bankers Missed

Apart from executives at Barclays pulling out as they are working on the Annual Accounts and so Bob Diamond is attending a Microsoft workshop entitled 'How to use Excel to help save your company from Middle East investors' which involves simply changing all the red cells to black.

The delegation from Citigroup are still at the airport awaiting their aircraft - no one had the heart to tell them the order was cancelled. Easyjet has offered to take them instead.

Generally bankers have been fair game at the event with small sideshows on offer to entertain delegates. John Thain, ex CEO of Merrills, has a 'Bake your own cake' stall, Dick Fuld has a Real Estate stall entitled, 'Properties going cheap - only one left, buyer already found, honey', while there are pillories and stocks for delegates to pelt their least favourite banker.

New World Order

The Davos song will be sung by the group of the same name and the song, 'I saved the world' written by G. Brown is expected to reach number one later this year. Meanwhile, a new league table or world order is being constructed with the US still at number one and then countries like China and India moving up the table. The UK is a little way back behind Mauritius but ahead of Iceland thanks to the threatened law suits by 'Big Bad I want my money back Gordon'.

Nasty Bankers

Barack Obama, fresh from signing the new lease on Guantanamo Bay Camp and renaming it 'Bankers Boot Camp', has laid into Wall St bonuses calling them the 'Height of irresponsibility' after finding out that employees of New York banks collected bonuses of $18bn last year. Obama adopted a Head Teacher approach and told banks 'It is shameful, and part of what we are going to need is for the folks on Wall St who are asking for help to show some restraint and discipline and some sense of responsibility.'

No doubt the bankers were standing in corridors with ear-rings in their ears, shirts hanging out, collars undone and ties pulled down and saying, 'Whatever' and 'Do I look bovvered?' Obama continued his tirade, 'The American people understand that we have got a bog hole we have got to dig ourselves out of but they don't like the idea that people are digging a bigger hole.'

Gordon Brown commented. 'I think President Obama needs elocution lessons as there is a real danger that people will understand what he is talking about and that means he may have to do something. It is far better to sound as if you know what you are talking about by using words not yet invented and unintelligible and then do nothing. People appreciate big words and no action.'

I am still unsure what purpose Davos serves but as the world pours billions into the financial system and then watches Citigroup order a private jet and bank executives pay themselves bonuses, it seems that we have all lost our sense of perspective. It would be a good idea to ask the views of the bewildered people of Africa who must surely have a problem with the 'intelligent' comments of people like Gordon Brown about how to save his Political neck and the bank balances of a small number of financial executives while millions wonder if the world will ever remember they exist and are starving.

In its voracious appetite to kick start economic growth, the world has forgotten about the starving people who aren't included in the jamboree. Just imagine what those $18bn bonus payments would have done for those people - I dare say the bankers who received them will not lose a wink's sleep.