Flying By The Pound

Fast on the back of ‘Whacky’ O’Leary’s proposal to charge Ryan Air customers for using the toilet, he is now considering charging passengers by their weight.

‘Don’t blame him, blame his customers’, is the message as this suggestion was put forward by 29% of the passengers who took part in an online survey organised by Ryan Air. Quite apart from the obvious ramifications legally about discrimination or human rights, there is also an implication of how this would be fairly implemented as surely height or age would have to taken into consideration.

However, I have yet to think all the possibilities through but there could be a way to mitigate charges. If a large person were charged heftily due to their weight, they might then invest some of their money in using the toilet facilities and then claim a refund as they weigh less after. In fact, if they were to use purgatives or induce sickness, then they could probably easily offset the toilet charge and get a good refund on arrival at the other end.

Conversely, for those who choose to drink excessively or eat on the plane, could they not be further charged, in addition to the costs of food and drink, for the additional weight they put on?
I have already registered a company which will trade in ‘Weight Offsets’ which will allow weight-challenged people to buy offsets and credits off less weight-challenged people and redeem them as vouchers to Ryan Air. It is already rumoured that there will be a Futures Market opened up on this which will be trading in actual weights vs forecast as, if someone buys a ticket in advance and weighs a particular weight, when they get to the check-in they may actually weigh more or less than the ticket they bought says. This way city traders can actually make a fortune gambling on the differences with all sorts of derivative products to trade ‘packages of weight’ and shorting those who are on diets but cheating, even 'spread betting' has a new meaning.

The possibilities are endless – particularly when Whacky O’Leary and his Ryan Air gurus are around.