Spend A Penny?

It had to happen - Ryan Air are considering charging for using the toilet on their flights.

Today, I bring you an exclusive interview from the marketing genius behind the idea, Penny Pertwee.

Rising Cost Of Service

I asked Miss Pertwee (with a silent 't') what gave Ryan Air the idea to charge for using the toilets on their flight.

"Well, to be sure," she said, "We have charged for most things now and are limiting the hand baggage to just 10 Kg so that you are forced to put some luggage in the hold as you would be hard pushed to put two rats in a bag and weigh less than 10 kg. Then we can charge the customer for the luggage in the hold per kg over the maximum allowable which will change to a much lower number for sure soon."

I pointed out that this makes Ryan Air in danger if actually being far more expensive and less attractive to travel on then their rivals.

"Be gone with yer," she replied with a disarming smile and a twinkle in her eyes. "With the height and weight restrictions coming in soon, Ryan Air will always be the cheapest airline if you are 5 foot dwarf weighing less than 25 kg, with a 10 kg bag, no luggage and not needing the toilet, food or water. We are committed to providing that level of service for those sorts of people."

What about the plan to charge for using the toilet then?

"Well the cost of allowing passengers to walk up the aisle to the toilets is rising," she said. "Particularly as we plan to remove the carpets in the aisle and install small seats for travelling rodents or other pets at a small charge. Also there is an impact on the environment, as if you have been to the toilet before the flight then you will weigh less when you get on and so the plane will use less fuel particularly at take off which is easier on the environment."

Spending A Penny?

How much will the service cost and how will it be charged for, I asked?

"We had quite a time working out the charging levels and how to charge," she said. "You know some big people can, let's say, need more of the facilities than smaller folk, so the charging needs to be a balance between the most fair charge and the most lucrative for the airline. So we have come up with a unique 'menu' of charges.

"A standard No. 1 of up to 30cl is just €1. For between 30 to 50cl it is €1.50 and then it's €3 for above 50cl and Guinness drinkers. The way it works is that you take a measuring cup inside the toilet with you, and once you have finished you pour the contents into the measuring machine we have fitted in the toilet and the amount rings up on the convenience lights outside so the steward or stewardess can read it and charge you on the way out. If you do a No. 2 then the toilet is fitted with a patented 'guffometer' which measures odour - the charges vary depending on weight and odour but suffice to say a standard poo will cost around €2 and if have had a curry then it will be €5 minimum. For those who 'paid a penny and only farted' then it's just €0.50, the same if you want to just 'powder your nose' which is just a euphemism for a good fart. By the way, we determine the weight by having the person stand on the weighing scale before they enter the toilet and then when they come out - the convenience display shows the staff the combination of weight and odour to charge for, and toilet paper can be bought on the drinks trolley at roughly €1 per poo or other."

The Screaming Habdabs?

I pointed out that what if someone is ill or incontinent? Surely this system of charging penalises those sorts of people?

"Come now," she said reproachfully. "As you well know, if you are disabled and need a wheelchair, then you have to pay. That's the rules and it's only fair. Just the same as, if you choose to get on a Ryan Air flight needing the toilet that's your lookout - and for those who are ill, we are a cheap airline not a flying toilet. If you are ill, then don't fly with us - it's you choice."

I asked, what about children - shouldn't they be able to use the facilities for free?

"Now why would we do that?" asked Miss Pertwee. "They occupy space on the flight, they breath the valuable oxygen in the cabin and they can pee and poo as good as anyone and they spend time in the toilet which limits the time for others to use them. No, they are charged just the same. And before you ask about nappy changing facilities, that counts the same as a good fart."

The Way Of The Future

I asked if Ryan Air plan any further charges in the future?

"God, we have only just started," she shrieked noisily. "We plan to charge in the near future for using a pilot and then for the level of their ability to fly. We also plan to charge for looking out of the windows, the seats (as we plan to suspend normal passengers from the ceiling for the flights, you can pay extra for a seat), we plan to charge for a proper landing not one at high speed with a thwack which is the usual, and then we will charge for cabin oxygen, heat, lighting and the air displaced during the plane's journey. We are working on other charges and they involve charging for safety demonstrations, life jackets and using the emergency exit in case of an emergency.

"At Ryan Air we are committed to low cost travel so long as you are below 5 foot, weigh less than 25 kg, have 10 kg hand luggage, no bags in the hold, do not use the toilet, want to eat or drink, can hold your breath, don't look out the window, don't mind if a trainee flies the plane and don't use the emergency equipment if we should crash."

Taking The P***

The above interview is clearly a spoof and is not representative of Ryan Air's views.

However, Ryan Air's intent to charge for using the facilities on their flights is. If, like me, you have used Ryan Air and their idea of carting people safely from A to B, then you will know that between their pathetic check in facilities and obsession for charging for the most popular basic requirements for anyone wanting to travel any distance, then they are just trying to advertise low cost fares and charge you for anything you would normally need. It's a carrot to draw you in and then sting you for the obvious.

This is quite literally 'Taking the P***' and they know it.