Thursday, 5 November 2009

The Patient is Not Responding - Hit Him Again

The operating theatre euphoria dies down as the man in the white coat and thick glasses points at the bank of monitors and speaks in a weak voice.

“Em, I said it looks as if the patient’s recovery has faltered,” said Dr. King in a frail voice. L. Ron Mandelson gave him a look of pure evil. The rest of the team looked down at the patient, a Mr. British Economy, who had looked as if he was recovering from his massive open heart surgery in the wake of a severe heart attack suffered due to incredible over indulgence.

“But I thought the surgery went well,” stammered Nurse Darling. "All the other people operated on from France, Germany, Japan and USA have recovered while the Italian one is getting better despite being fatter and with all that plastic surgery that he had too."

“The expensive sticky plaster is holding the heart in place nicely, indeed,” remarked a man in an expensive suit, a Dr. I. Banker. “The vital signs have wained but a new boost of intravenous QE should sort it out. Get another bag.”

“Hold on,” said Dr. King. “That’s bloody expensive stuff you know – we’ve put in £175bn so far. We are not made of money, you know.”

“To my mind, you are,” replied I. Banker tersely. He gave L. Ron Mandelson a nod. He smiled back and turned to King and twisted his ear.

In the corner, a man with manic look on his face was putting weights on a rubber band scale which was connected to a speaker which made an annoying ‘weee, pop’ noise.

“Who is that idiot making that noise,” asked Professor Brown.

“That’s Dr. Sants,” replied and adviser. “He’s besotted with his new Stress-Testing Machine. I’ll tell him to stop.”

“Tell his boss to tell him,” snapped Prof. Brown.

Erm, he is the one in the corner tied to a chair and gagged, sir. The one with the notice saying ‘Loony’ around his neck at the request of Dr. Banker, sir.”

A lady shuffled forward. “Before you put that bag of QE on the drip, I would like to point out that the last lot of QE had no effect. In fact I think it isn’t getting into the patient at all but it’s been diverted by another tube into this drain which says ‘Financial System’.” Whoever she was, L. Ron Mandelson cuffed her on the head and told security to remove her.

“I wouldn’t give the patient QE, try cannabis,” said a man. L. Ron Mandelson immediately cuffed the man on the head and had Porter Johnson remove him.

“I don’t pay you to advise, Nutt,” remarked Johnson. “ I pay you to toe the line.”

“You don’t pay me at all,” remarked the man.

“Precisely my point, Nutt” hissed Johnson as he threw him out.

“Right,” said Dr. Banker. “All agreed?”

Everyone looked at one another before L. Ron Mandelson dug his elbow into Prof. Brown’s ribs with some venom.

“Ow,” screeched Prof. Brown. “Yes, yes, of course, all agreed.”

“Good,” said Banker. “I’ll add that to our fees and £25bn extra QE via drip please, Nurse.”

“Wait, wait,” interjected Nurse Darling excitedly. “What about that idea of the Government being a Hedge Fund and buying further into our hopeless banks. It sounds as if everything is just going down the toilet.”

“Trust me,” replied Banker. “I know what I’m doing - as if I would ever lose you billions? You don’t think you pay all those fees for nothing, do you? Just buy the shares and put the QE in and stop asking irrelevant questions. "

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